The Celeb Cringes

I came across an interview of a celebrity some time back and without really listening presumed it was a typical ranting of a celebrity. Knowing the person from my school days something or some phrase remained stuck  in the back of my mind and I played the video again. It was a rendition of a harrowing episode which had taken place when she was 6 years of age. A typical setting in a conservative Pakistani family where children were not encouraged to speak out or confront their parents . Granted that times have changed somewhat as smart phones and digitisation have permitted awareness to creep in .The  episode as narrated by the victim goes on like this.

Abused

“ This was when I was 6 years old. My parents had gone abroad and I and my siblings were left in the custody of a trusted domestic servant and in supervision of elder cousins who themselves were not so worldly wise. I was harassed and abused for almost two weeks at the will of the domestic servant. Even when my parents returned the physical abuse in the form of lingering touching continued. Somehow I picked up courage and revealed to my mother the indecent exposure and disgusting gestures and touches I had been enduring. The servant was handed over to the police and later deported . A domino effect took place as another cook in the neighbourhood was also dismissed for child molestation . What was distressing was that this ugly experience was not discussed by my mother with me and instead she suffered a nervous breakdown and want on medication. In our patriarchal society the father remains aloof and communication with him, especially of daughters, is through the mother. To a large extent this situation persists even in the year 2023.In retrospect I feel maybe my mother’s nerves got frayed or she was not strong nerved. She was unable to face the imagined shame which she perceived society may subject her to in the form of condescending or accusatory glances, or even made to feel the topic of discussion as the ladies idle banter would stop when she would enter the room where her friends or relatives were present.

Confronting Childhood Fears

It was not till I turned 34 that I confronted my mother and had a face to face discussion with her which culminated in her sobbing bitterly and myself comforting her. She confessed that she felt she had failed me and her husband and was responsible for this stigmatisation of me and my marriage prospects were doomed. For me this episode was forgotten when I was growing up and finished my schooling and university education. Ugly events if suppressed do manifest themselves. I got married and moved to Canada and after a few months my married life went into turmoil. I became the victim of an abusive relationship. Perhaps my painful experience at the tender age of six had made me emotionally stronger and I would not be subdued and become a domestic serf. A break up took place much to the chagrin and dismay of my family back home. I walked out of the marriage with no significant emotional scars . I went for counselling where I was told that my own reactions and assumptions were aligned with the counselling and therapy sessions.Away from prying eyes and in a foreign land my dignity was retained it seems.

Abuse is Rampant

The story does not end here. In introspect I feel I had become incapable of trusting the other gender and maintained a protective shield and veneer of a steely woman. Many victims of child abuse dont possess the grit I had.Despite being successful in my show biz career I couldn’t  reach the dizzy heights I was capable of perhaps as something was holding me back .Only now have I started to air and discuss the fears of my childhood abuse being made public knowledge. This fear of scandalisation I carried with myself till the day I confronted my mother. But I don’t want other women to cringe in fear of exposure of incidents in which they have been victims of childhood abuse or stuck in an abusive and hurtful relationship or marriage. A lingering touch or caress by a relative which lasts a microsecond longer then it should must be reported to the parents. Incidents of child abuse are rampant in our society and the perpetrators are usually trusted domestic staff or even relatives. Invariably children who have been raised , wheeled about in a pram, driven to school or taken to play outdoors exclusively by employees are abused and develop psychological issues which manifest later in life and threaten their domestic bliss and tranquility. It is not confined to the lower middle class or the lower income strata but transcends all classes and income and cultural barriers. I can only beseech mothers not to leave their minor children at the mercy of domestic help however loyal you may imagine them to be. Child abuse is successful and contingent on the fear of exposure or reprisal impressed by the perpetrator on the victim. Outright threats to a child may include that if you rat on me I will eliminate you and your parents . Talk to your child  and give the child the comfort that all matters can be openly discussed with parents. “

This harrowing tale or real life episode should be an eye opener for parents.